Dos Equis

by Jackass Penguins

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about

Retrospective album with songs from 1993 to 2013. Released to celebrate our 20 year anniversary. This music sounds much better after downing a 12-pack of delicious Dos Equis lager. Try a case today. Please do not drive or operate heavy machinery while listening to this album. Pregnant women and diabetics are cautioned against listening, except under the supervision of a licensed medical professional. Side effects include chronic migraines, episodic seizures, anal leakage, nausea and in some rare cases, death. Do not listen to this album while surrounded by magnetic fields. Jackass Penguins "Dos Equis" is a product of Oyitt Records. Lo-fi combined with low talent. Now that's entertainment! Try Dos Equis today!

credits

released November 15, 2013

Produced by Derrick Hoyle.
All songs written by M. Watson unless otherwise noted.
Recorded at various locations in Riverside and Yucaipa over 20 years.
Cover photo originally by Chris Wilkins for Getty Images.

tags

license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

about

Jackass Penguins Yucaipa, California

A lo-fi musical outlet. Started in late 1993 in Riverside. Concerts have been nearly nonexistent, but recording has been prolific. Aside from a few locals and casual fans, the band is willingly obscure.

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Track Name: Diskovepher - Murph
The teacher calls you to the front of the class
You find it dandy to pick your ass
Everyone laughs and your face turns red
The teacher looks at you here’s what she said

Murphpicker murphpicker sticky and brown
You better stop pickin or get outta town

You walk into the liquor store
Your feet are tired and your ass is sore
Your murph digs deeper and you are pissed
You pick that murph with a double twist
An old lady walkin from Club Med
She saw you pickin and then she said

Murphpicker murphpicker sticky and brown
You better stop pickin or get outta town

You walk into the liquor store
Your murph is back but you try to ignore
You go and get a root beer float
Your murph is juicy and you start to bloat
The cup is bad and it starts to leak
You put your hand on a butt cheek
Your hand is ready and you can’t resist
You pick that murph with a triple twist
The owner says “Hey bitch” and your face turns red
He flips you off here’s what he said

Murphpicker murphpicker sticky and brown
You better stop pickin or get outta town

Murphpickin is very wrong
So don’t pick that murph or get off my turf
Track Name: Corn
Corn
She walks slowly thru the corn
Her Doc Martens old and torn
she walks slowly away, doesn't stay
windy day
her blond hair blowin in corn
in the field in the morn
she walks slowly thru the corn
Runaway
from a town called Santa Fe
she gets on her knees and prays
for today's her dying day
today's her day

I eat my corn
I'm big and strong
I eat my corn
I smoke my bong
I eat my corn
I'm big and strong
I eat my corn
I sing my song

Corn
Her whole life is made of corn
She reads magazines of porn
Loaded gun
pointed to her thick blond head
she would rather read instead
her small body full of lead
she likes being dead
Track Name: Pandemonia
Black iron gates
I'm gonna wait
Black iron gates
Decipher fates

Pandemonia
Going there
Pandemonia
Shave my hair

Dead grove of trees
Fall on me please
Dead grove of trees
Down on my knees

Pandemonia
Going there
Pandemonia
Shave my hair
Pandemonia
I'm not strange
Pandemonia
Time for a change

Empty hotel
Sulfuric smell
Empty hotel
Going to hell

Pandemonia
Going there
Pandemonia
Shave my hair
Pandemonia
I'm not strange
Pandemonia
Time for a change
Pandemonia
Going there
Pandemonia
I'm not scared
Pandemonia
Happy land
Pandemonia
Take my hand

Take my hand
Take my land
Track Name: Mint
Bye bye
Stone time
Be my valentine
I'm so stone cold
We grow ever old
No don't leave me
No don't deceive me

Stone time
Riverside
Gotta be
Stone time

By the dirt hill
He signs his will
To his dead son
His life is done
He crawls into his tomb
That's all

Stone time
Riverside
Gotta be
Stone time
Get me
Stone cold
Gonna be so fucking cold

Stone time
Track Name: Yes I Am Fucking You
Yes I am, I am so abused, I am
Yes I am, I am so amused
Yes I am, I am so cool, I am
And my friend, he says "fire is cool", I am

Yes I am fucking
Yes I am sucking
I am in you
Yes I am fucking you

Yes I am, I am so abused, I am
And you are, you are such a star, you are
and you have orgasm, you do

You're so light
You're so tight
In the night
You fit me like a glove

Yes I am fucking
Yes I am sucking
I am in you
Yes I am fucking you

You fit me like a glove
I fit you like a glove
Track Name: Slob
This is the story
sad, but true
of a fat old man from Kalamazoo
He said he was strong at a time
but I can't say when 'cause it doesn't rhyme

He's a slob in '94
Wants to eat a little more

He does wait all of his day
'til the mailman comes
He doesn't stay
Now he is old and quiet
Doesn't sleep anymore
or try a diet

He's a slob in '94
Wants to eat a little more

He watches his big screen
all day through
He is a slob
His name is Lou
Well how ya doin
I'm doing fine
Why don'cha come outside into the sunshine?

You're a slob, yes you are Lou.
Why don'cha go on a diet?
No?
Then fuck you.
Amongst all this cuss
I wasn't driving too well
and hit a bus from the County Jail

He died that night in intensive care
No one visited Lou
Not one person was there
He was embalmed and buried at high noon
The church bells rung to the famous tune

He's a slob in '94
Wants to eat a little more
Slob in '94
Track Name: Dropping Like Flies
Kissing in public
my mother's there
smokers are smoking
the colored hair
piercing her eyelid
is her worst friend
I flush the homestead
a message to send

I'll bet you're stoned right now

A mosh pit marriage
a tired friend
a scared little carriage
a blind-corner bend
the honeymoon's over
the reception's fed
the honeymoon's over
the couple dead

I'll bet you're stoned right now
Track Name: You Don't Have My Number
I am your futuristic layman
I am your systematic drone
and if you ever need my company
remember I am oft alone

and if you want me call me
I've been waiting by the phone
and if you want me call me
I've been waiting all alone for you

I am your ultra-loyal 'mirer
I am your super-Rolaid friend
and if you ever want to talk to me
talk to me, baby
or if you ever need a friend

you don't have my number
Track Name: I Am Stupid And You Are Not
I am stupid
you are not
you are cool and I am not
you are cool and I am not
I am dumb and you are not

oh
you think it's my problem
are you dumb
you think I'm stupid
you think I'm numb
when God is here
she'll break your mirror
the bad luck borne
you'll pay in years

7 years in hell
that's swell
7 years in hell
that's swell
Track Name: With You
good afternoon
thought I'd sing you this here tune
among the birds and the grass and soon
you will see
rising of the full moon
and then you'll see magic too
in the bright moonlight you
are so beautiful that's true
good afternoon
you will see
all the comets in the skies
all the colors in your eyes
make the sunset dull, you
hold my hand I'll dream with you
golden light to baby blue
see the heavens, streetlights too
you're so beautiful, that's you
you're so beautiful, that's true
I'm in love with you
Track Name: Time
Move on
if you need someone to lean on
I won’t be around x2
Live on
in your perennial paradise
I’m sure that it will be very nice
Don’t make me have to go and say it twice

I can’t go do everything
I can’t live an old routine

Ramble on
You know I’ve got to find the perfect song
I know it shouldn’t couldn’t take me long
You can’t prove me sue me screw me Snoopy long
Live on
‘cause time’s the only thing that will run me out
The only thing, the thing that this song’s about
I only wish that it didn’t have to shout
oh yeah

I can’t go do everything
I can’t live an old routine
Track Name: Birds
Birds they can fly
If the wind is strong they will survive
Do they fly o'er you and turd?
When they fly they're just a bird.

Birds they fly up in the sky
They fly ever so high
They never ever die
I've never seen one lie
They're louder when they chirp
As happy as a smurf are they, all day

Birds do they die?
Is it at the end of their small lives?
Do they cry but nothing's heard?
When they die, they're just a bird.

Birds they fly up in the sky
They fly ever so high
They never ever die
I've never seen one lie
They're louder when they chirp
As happy as a smurf
I've never seen one dead
Or sleeping in a bed
Or hear them when they burp
Or dress like Wyatt Earp
They're louder when they chirp
As happy as a smurf are they
All day
Track Name: B.K.K.
Curse the violent screams
Curse the vitamin heals
Curse the landfill of death
Curse the dragon's firebreath
Curve the straightest road stretch
Curse the greatest ball catch
Kill the sadness inside
Make the goodness all rise

It's alright
Just sit tight
Beautiful sight
All tonight
Track Name: Go Away
Who you talking to
Nothing here to use
No one here to use
Giving me the blues
Don't fear none my heart
Tell me when to start
Never gonna part
Eating at my heart

Let me go away

One and one is two
One and one is three
Who you talking to
Can't see me
I despise the time
Nothing here is mine
Every girl is fine
As the starry, starry skies
Track Name: Deification of Defecation
Nullified
Mummified
Lithified
All in stride
Hypnotized
Pacified
Baked and fried
Every time

Deification of defecation

Petrified
Mesmerized
Androgyne
In your eyes
Here's your prize
From my thighs
Brown with flies
Try it for size

Deification of defecation

I ain't tellin no shit
You just love my shit
Track Name: I Love Jesus Bumper Sticker
I’ve got an I Love Jesus bumper sticker
It means I’m gonna get to heaven a lot quicker than you
and when I’m in front of St. Peter
he’ll remember my God-almighty Jesus egg beater
and every Sunday I watch TV
all the people dressed in Sunday best, oh yeee
I just love her afro mascara
I got my credit card ready, yeah I dare ya
I listen to the radio to the sermons
while I kill one hundred million jewish German tourists
Yeah I’m always right, can’t ever be wrong
'cause God is forgiving and I am not
Love thy neighbor while I shove and pry
Anti-Darwin single-minded one-of-a-kind

Abortion clinic shootout, yeah yeah yeah
Jesus was a Baptist, yeah yeah yeah
Track Name: Goodbye
Hey you
Hey you
Goodbye
Everybody says goodbye
Good Bye
Good Bye
Good Bye
Goodbye
Track Name: Fuck Up The Middle East
Bomb Afghanistan
Fuck up the Sudan
Terror all across the land
Gonna make you understand

I don't hate Islam
I don't hate God
I don't hate your land
I'm just pissed off

Terror in Pakistan
Bombs in Iran
The Middle East is a hell
We are the infidels

Fuck Up The Middle East
Osama is a fuckin beast
Track Name: Surfboards For Everyone
Surfboards for everyone

Checking out the honeys in Santa Barbara
Surfboards in the sand
Wet bikinis and lowered Hondas
Surfboards in the sand
I'm checking out every single surfer girl
While I catch the pipe and shoot the curl

Wet wet surfboards in the sand, yeah
Hot chicks sleeping with a tan, yeah
Surfboards for everyone

Driving down the coast looking for more honeys
Surfboards in the sand
When we find a nude beach with Playboy bunnies
Surfboards in the sand
Well I've travelled the land, been around the world
But I never fucked that many surfer girls
Track Name: Desperado
I want you to believe
I love you even when you leave
I will watch you when you sleep
With other guys and other creeps

And all I want is you to see that I’m a possibility
And all I want is you to think that I’m a possibility

And I watch you when you breathe
Your breasts move they bounce and heave
When you smile I see your teeth
I wonder what you think of me
Track Name: I've Never Known This
It's great, funny, how you see me.
Great how funny, happy, silly.
And you are the best one for me.
Great how funny, happy, silly.

She told me you like me
Funny how you see me
I've never known this
Track Name: Laxative
I wanna let you know
that I can't let you go
It's just one shit I've got to let go
Constipation

and I am back again
Who knows how long I'll stay?
and I am back again
Who cares anyway?

Take a laxative
You know I'm full of shit
and I take a laxative
cause I'm full of shit
Track Name: Problem
I've got a problem
What I'd like to share
I've got a problem
But I'm not in despair
Shredding the pages
What I got I love
Love
I've got a problem
But I'm not gonna cry

Cause I'm good
Cause I'm strong
Cause I've got to move along
I've got a problem x3 I do

I've got a problem
It's got to do with you
I've got a problem
It's got to do with all of you

and I will be strong
It's not time to be weak
It's time to buzz off
and fight the demons within
Cause I'm the one
Who will get through this
I will get proper
and live in the bliss
I'm the one
Who wants you
For the rest of my life
and your life too
I've got a problem
It won't take long
you, you

and I will be strong x2
got to carry on
Not time to whine
Lame alibis
I've got to get through this somehow x2
Somehow special
Better than all the rest
They put you through the test
and you made it through
Cause we beat it
Track Name: Dust
and I heard that you were dead
so I learn to hit my head
and I couldn't sleep at night
nothing's gonna work out right

and I wish you'd come again
did you ever wake up dead?
so who painted heaven white?
cannot see because the light

and I heard that you were gone
so I learn to carry on
every second there's a death
decompose, there's nothing left

is it me, is it you
have to lie to see the truth
is it us, is it them
dig thru trash to find a gem
dust to dust, lust to death
skeletons and rotten flesh
Track Name: U.F.O.
You’re my pussy you’re my neighbor
You’re next door when I’m not home
You’re my pussy you’re my neighbor
The girl next door without a phone

If you want to I can take you a million miles away
If you want to I can take you in my U.F.O.

You’re my lover you’re my brother
Mother Nature’s out to lunch
You’re my lover there’s no other
You’re the rum inside my punch

If you want to I can take you a billion miles away
If you want to I can take you in my U.F.O.
Track Name: Harsh
Harsh screams
Death beams
Pain teems
Life seems
Track Name: She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not
It’s not about
It’s not about
It’s not about how you miss me.
It’s not about
It’s not about how you talk about your boyfriend in front of me.
It’s not about
It’s not about how you follow my every move.
It’s not about
It’s not about how you look at me so sexy.
It’s
about the way I feel about you.
I could always look at you and feel the same.
You wouldn’t change your name if we got married someday.
I want to take you to some secluded hotel room and fuck your brains out all the night
Until we see the morning light.
The morning light.
It’s not about
It’s not about how I love to pour hot wax on your body.
It’s not about
It’s not about how I love to eat you out when you are on the rag.
It’s not about
It’s not about how I love to drink your piss.
It’s not about
It’s not about how you want to shit in my mouth.
It’s the glory when I see you in the bathroom all alone
And you are thinking about your boyfriend.
And you’ve got the vibrator on xxxtra-high.
You won’t even know I’m alive anymore.
Just when I think I’ve got a chance
You make me feel like an ant
Yes I am the biggest loser in the world.
And that’s because of you.
And I don’t need that no more.
Yes I’m walking out that door
Yes I’m gone for good.
Track Name: Southern California
Hey
You took me under the waves
We drank the wine just like days
Can't help but breathe in the haze

Sunshine on the sand
Smiles across the land
Let me hold your hand
Let me hold your hand

Hey
You have such beautiful ways
Like circumpuscular rays
I dot my i's and my j's

Southern California

Hey
Look at those beautiful waves
They push and pull just like slaves
They shine like Rutherford Hayes
Hey
Track Name: Dumb Angel
A dumb angel on my tracks
Winged cherub won't relax
Imagine that
Flinging arrows is her job
In love with liberty from God
What a gas

Give a dollar to your friend
If it's money you need to lend
You'll feel hollow in the end
It's your heart you need to mend

Her gaze stops me every time
Instead I act so civilized
Imagine that
I dream of sleeping in my bed
I'm just living in my head
What a gas

When you're feeling down and blue
Close your eyes and count to 2
You know what you've got to do
Take a trip to Malibu

I cannot hear her voice aloud
I see it in a puffy cloud
Imagine that
Songs of angels fill my day
When she looks across my way
What a gas

I hope she looks across my way
I hope she doesn't think I'm gay
Or some pervert who will say
"I will knock you up someday"
Give a dollar to your friend
If it's money you need to lend
You'll feel hollow in the end
It's your heart you need to mend
Dumb angel
Dumb angel
Dumb angel on my tracks
Track Name: Honest Engine
You've got the key ignition
I've got the rattled tones
I'm an honest engine
Hear me roar
I've got the massive tires
You've got an ass of steel
You won't get fired
I can't feel

Plowin down all the hills and knolls
Grade it flat, now it feels like home
Feels like home

The land goes on forever
Your job is safe with me
Nature begs for an acre
Go extinct

All those signs are phony
We're building for a cause
That cause is money
Watch 'em fall
Clear the way for congested sprawl
Nowhere to tag so you build a wall
Track Name: Silver Queen
oh yeah
all right
baby
she laughs
flat on her back
intact and her radiance good
6-pack's not coming back
in fact I think that they all should

silver queen
it's not like in dreams
but things are still misunderstood
fantasy, like your liberty
remains so far from Hollywood

transfixed
the size of your tits
I sit alone thinking of you
bad trips
reality clicks
no chicks have been as pretty as you

the desert lies beyond
with dust instead of fog
the engine's turning on
two hours, we'll be gone
Track Name: Topic of the Day
Bring it up now
Shit
Anybody says that I'm going to chicken
Anybody says that I'm going away
Anybody says that I'm going to chicken
Anybody says
I was on the road and I was going
I was on the road and I was away
I was on the road and I'm going to chicken

Yeah
Anybody says anybody anybody says

Anybody says that I'm going to Vostok
Rabbits on the shore and I'm going away
Anybody says that I'm going to chicken
Anybody says that I'm going to Nome
Anybody says that I'm going to liver
Anybody in the anybody in the

Wah ding iffa zhanas channing body
Sprinkle fucking chunkies and I'm talking bout meatballs
Anybody says that I'm banning away
And I'm doing it on purpose every single fucking day

Everybody says
Everybody says
Everybody says
Everybody's on the topic, God even says
Topic of the day is everybody says
Anybody in the fucking room
And I'm talking about you
And I'm talking about you

And I'm talking about anybody
I'm talking about all the motherfucking people in the fucking room
and I'm talking to you
and I'm talking to every fucking body in the room
and I am away and I am away and
I am going all the way on fucking today
yeah yeah yeah yeah
it's the topic of the day

eat my shit and you'll fuckin die
Track Name: It Doesn't Get Any Gooder
Yo
Check this shit out, yo
It doesn't get any gooder

I saw you....in the rain
in a t-shirt
in a limousine
in the shower
in the motherfucking flower
I just won the lotto
I got a brand new bra
The cruise control's on auto
I had a vision of Jah
Walking to the station
Got a ticket to Mars
Going on vacation
Blasting to the stars
I saw you in the cabin
Yo, I saw you in the fucking aisle
I saw that you were grabbing
We've been friends for a while
If you want, we could get some Velcro shoes
We can walk on the ceiling
or have some orange juice

I wanna let you know that....outer space can be so dim
we just might lose life or limb
we might not see Yuma again
ginseng, goldenseal, phen phen

It doesn't get any gooder
Track Name: Secrets of the Water
Touched by my reflection
Melted all away
I had no intention
To blow you all away
In a flowing river
On a summer day
I will still remember
When I'm old and gray

That day

The river has the currents
That push you down, away
The sea it pulls the river
and all the rocks with age
make the sand that greets you
when you are in the bay
the sea it eats the river
the tides move day to day

That way
Track Name: Sorry
Music and lyrics available at www.songreader.net