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Dos Equis

by Jackass Penguins

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1.
The teacher calls you to the front of the class You find it dandy to pick your ass Everyone laughs and your face turns red The teacher looks at you here’s what she said Murphpicker murphpicker sticky and brown You better stop pickin or get outta town You walk into the liquor store Your feet are tired and your ass is sore Your murph digs deeper and you are pissed You pick that murph with a double twist An old lady walkin from Club Med She saw you pickin and then she said Murphpicker murphpicker sticky and brown You better stop pickin or get outta town You walk into the liquor store Your murph is back but you try to ignore You go and get a root beer float Your murph is juicy and you start to bloat The cup is bad and it starts to leak You put your hand on a butt cheek Your hand is ready and you can’t resist You pick that murph with a triple twist The owner says “Hey bitch” and your face turns red He flips you off here’s what he said Murphpicker murphpicker sticky and brown You better stop pickin or get outta town Murphpickin is very wrong So don’t pick that murph or get off my turf
2.
Corn 02:52
Corn She walks slowly thru the corn Her Doc Martens old and torn she walks slowly away, doesn't stay windy day her blond hair blowin in corn in the field in the morn she walks slowly thru the corn Runaway from a town called Santa Fe she gets on her knees and prays for today's her dying day today's her day I eat my corn I'm big and strong I eat my corn I smoke my bong I eat my corn I'm big and strong I eat my corn I sing my song Corn Her whole life is made of corn She reads magazines of porn Loaded gun pointed to her thick blond head she would rather read instead her small body full of lead she likes being dead
3.
Pandemonia 03:12
Black iron gates I'm gonna wait Black iron gates Decipher fates Pandemonia Going there Pandemonia Shave my hair Dead grove of trees Fall on me please Dead grove of trees Down on my knees Pandemonia Going there Pandemonia Shave my hair Pandemonia I'm not strange Pandemonia Time for a change Empty hotel Sulfuric smell Empty hotel Going to hell Pandemonia Going there Pandemonia Shave my hair Pandemonia I'm not strange Pandemonia Time for a change Pandemonia Going there Pandemonia I'm not scared Pandemonia Happy land Pandemonia Take my hand Take my hand Take my land
4.
Mint 02:29
Bye bye Stone time Be my valentine I'm so stone cold We grow ever old No don't leave me No don't deceive me Stone time Riverside Gotta be Stone time By the dirt hill He signs his will To his dead son His life is done He crawls into his tomb That's all Stone time Riverside Gotta be Stone time Get me Stone cold Gonna be so fucking cold Stone time
5.
Yes I am, I am so abused, I am Yes I am, I am so amused Yes I am, I am so cool, I am And my friend, he says "fire is cool", I am Yes I am fucking Yes I am sucking I am in you Yes I am fucking you Yes I am, I am so abused, I am And you are, you are such a star, you are and you have orgasm, you do You're so light You're so tight In the night You fit me like a glove Yes I am fucking Yes I am sucking I am in you Yes I am fucking you You fit me like a glove I fit you like a glove
6.
Slob 03:21
This is the story sad, but true of a fat old man from Kalamazoo He said he was strong at a time but I can't say when 'cause it doesn't rhyme He's a slob in '94 Wants to eat a little more He does wait all of his day 'til the mailman comes He doesn't stay Now he is old and quiet Doesn't sleep anymore or try a diet He's a slob in '94 Wants to eat a little more He watches his big screen all day through He is a slob His name is Lou Well how ya doin I'm doing fine Why don'cha come outside into the sunshine? You're a slob, yes you are Lou. Why don'cha go on a diet? No? Then fuck you. Amongst all this cuss I wasn't driving too well and hit a bus from the County Jail He died that night in intensive care No one visited Lou Not one person was there He was embalmed and buried at high noon The church bells rung to the famous tune He's a slob in '94 Wants to eat a little more Slob in '94
7.
Kissing in public my mother's there smokers are smoking the colored hair piercing her eyelid is her worst friend I flush the homestead a message to send I'll bet you're stoned right now A mosh pit marriage a tired friend a scared little carriage a blind-corner bend the honeymoon's over the reception's fed the honeymoon's over the couple dead I'll bet you're stoned right now
8.
I am your futuristic layman I am your systematic drone and if you ever need my company remember I am oft alone and if you want me call me I've been waiting by the phone and if you want me call me I've been waiting all alone for you I am your ultra-loyal 'mirer I am your super-Rolaid friend and if you ever want to talk to me talk to me, baby or if you ever need a friend you don't have my number
9.
I am stupid you are not you are cool and I am not you are cool and I am not I am dumb and you are not oh you think it's my problem are you dumb you think I'm stupid you think I'm numb when God is here she'll break your mirror the bad luck borne you'll pay in years 7 years in hell that's swell 7 years in hell that's swell
10.
With You 03:07
good afternoon thought I'd sing you this here tune among the birds and the grass and soon you will see rising of the full moon and then you'll see magic too in the bright moonlight you are so beautiful that's true good afternoon you will see all the comets in the skies all the colors in your eyes make the sunset dull, you hold my hand I'll dream with you golden light to baby blue see the heavens, streetlights too you're so beautiful, that's you you're so beautiful, that's true I'm in love with you
11.
Time 02:41
Move on if you need someone to lean on I won’t be around x2 Live on in your perennial paradise I’m sure that it will be very nice Don’t make me have to go and say it twice I can’t go do everything I can’t live an old routine Ramble on You know I’ve got to find the perfect song I know it shouldn’t couldn’t take me long You can’t prove me sue me screw me Snoopy long Live on ‘cause time’s the only thing that will run me out The only thing, the thing that this song’s about I only wish that it didn’t have to shout oh yeah I can’t go do everything I can’t live an old routine
12.
Birds 02:04
Birds they can fly If the wind is strong they will survive Do they fly o'er you and turd? When they fly they're just a bird. Birds they fly up in the sky They fly ever so high They never ever die I've never seen one lie They're louder when they chirp As happy as a smurf are they, all day Birds do they die? Is it at the end of their small lives? Do they cry but nothing's heard? When they die, they're just a bird. Birds they fly up in the sky They fly ever so high They never ever die I've never seen one lie They're louder when they chirp As happy as a smurf I've never seen one dead Or sleeping in a bed Or hear them when they burp Or dress like Wyatt Earp They're louder when they chirp As happy as a smurf are they All day
13.
B.K.K. 03:35
Curse the violent screams Curse the vitamin heals Curse the landfill of death Curse the dragon's firebreath Curve the straightest road stretch Curse the greatest ball catch Kill the sadness inside Make the goodness all rise It's alright Just sit tight Beautiful sight All tonight
14.
Go Away 03:51
Who you talking to Nothing here to use No one here to use Giving me the blues Don't fear none my heart Tell me when to start Never gonna part Eating at my heart Let me go away One and one is two One and one is three Who you talking to Can't see me I despise the time Nothing here is mine Every girl is fine As the starry, starry skies
15.
Nullified Mummified Lithified All in stride Hypnotized Pacified Baked and fried Every time Deification of defecation Petrified Mesmerized Androgyne In your eyes Here's your prize From my thighs Brown with flies Try it for size Deification of defecation I ain't tellin no shit You just love my shit
16.
I’ve got an I Love Jesus bumper sticker It means I’m gonna get to heaven a lot quicker than you and when I’m in front of St. Peter he’ll remember my God-almighty Jesus egg beater and every Sunday I watch TV all the people dressed in Sunday best, oh yeee I just love her afro mascara I got my credit card ready, yeah I dare ya I listen to the radio to the sermons while I kill one hundred million jewish German tourists Yeah I’m always right, can’t ever be wrong 'cause God is forgiving and I am not Love thy neighbor while I shove and pry Anti-Darwin single-minded one-of-a-kind Abortion clinic shootout, yeah yeah yeah Jesus was a Baptist, yeah yeah yeah
17.
Goodbye 01:17
Hey you Hey you Goodbye Everybody says goodbye Good Bye Good Bye Good Bye Goodbye
18.
Bomb Afghanistan Fuck up the Sudan Terror all across the land Gonna make you understand I don't hate Islam I don't hate God I don't hate your land I'm just pissed off Terror in Pakistan Bombs in Iran The Middle East is a hell We are the infidels Fuck Up The Middle East Osama is a fuckin beast
19.
Surfboards for everyone Checking out the honeys in Santa Barbara Surfboards in the sand Wet bikinis and lowered Hondas Surfboards in the sand I'm checking out every single surfer girl While I catch the pipe and shoot the curl Wet wet surfboards in the sand, yeah Hot chicks sleeping with a tan, yeah Surfboards for everyone Driving down the coast looking for more honeys Surfboards in the sand When we find a nude beach with Playboy bunnies Surfboards in the sand Well I've travelled the land, been around the world But I never fucked that many surfer girls
20.
Desperado 04:54
I want you to believe I love you even when you leave I will watch you when you sleep With other guys and other creeps And all I want is you to see that I’m a possibility And all I want is you to think that I’m a possibility And I watch you when you breathe Your breasts move they bounce and heave When you smile I see your teeth I wonder what you think of me
21.
It's great, funny, how you see me. Great how funny, happy, silly. And you are the best one for me. Great how funny, happy, silly. She told me you like me Funny how you see me I've never known this
22.
Laxative 05:36
I wanna let you know that I can't let you go It's just one shit I've got to let go Constipation and I am back again Who knows how long I'll stay? and I am back again Who cares anyway? Take a laxative You know I'm full of shit and I take a laxative cause I'm full of shit
23.
Problem 05:57
I've got a problem What I'd like to share I've got a problem But I'm not in despair Shredding the pages What I got I love Love I've got a problem But I'm not gonna cry Cause I'm good Cause I'm strong Cause I've got to move along I've got a problem x3 I do I've got a problem It's got to do with you I've got a problem It's got to do with all of you and I will be strong It's not time to be weak It's time to buzz off and fight the demons within Cause I'm the one Who will get through this I will get proper and live in the bliss I'm the one Who wants you For the rest of my life and your life too I've got a problem It won't take long you, you and I will be strong x2 got to carry on Not time to whine Lame alibis I've got to get through this somehow x2 Somehow special Better than all the rest They put you through the test and you made it through Cause we beat it
24.
Dust 02:29
and I heard that you were dead so I learn to hit my head and I couldn't sleep at night nothing's gonna work out right and I wish you'd come again did you ever wake up dead? so who painted heaven white? cannot see because the light and I heard that you were gone so I learn to carry on every second there's a death decompose, there's nothing left is it me, is it you have to lie to see the truth is it us, is it them dig thru trash to find a gem dust to dust, lust to death skeletons and rotten flesh
25.
U.F.O. 03:12
You’re my pussy you’re my neighbor You’re next door when I’m not home You’re my pussy you’re my neighbor The girl next door without a phone If you want to I can take you a million miles away If you want to I can take you in my U.F.O. You’re my lover you’re my brother Mother Nature’s out to lunch You’re my lover there’s no other You’re the rum inside my punch If you want to I can take you a billion miles away If you want to I can take you in my U.F.O.
26.
Harsh 04:23
Harsh screams Death beams Pain teems Life seems
27.
It’s not about It’s not about It’s not about how you miss me. It’s not about It’s not about how you talk about your boyfriend in front of me. It’s not about It’s not about how you follow my every move. It’s not about It’s not about how you look at me so sexy. It’s about the way I feel about you. I could always look at you and feel the same. You wouldn’t change your name if we got married someday. I want to take you to some secluded hotel room and fuck your brains out all the night Until we see the morning light. The morning light. It’s not about It’s not about how I love to pour hot wax on your body. It’s not about It’s not about how I love to eat you out when you are on the rag. It’s not about It’s not about how I love to drink your piss. It’s not about It’s not about how you want to shit in my mouth. It’s the glory when I see you in the bathroom all alone And you are thinking about your boyfriend. And you’ve got the vibrator on xxxtra-high. You won’t even know I’m alive anymore. Just when I think I’ve got a chance You make me feel like an ant Yes I am the biggest loser in the world. And that’s because of you. And I don’t need that no more. Yes I’m walking out that door Yes I’m gone for good.
28.
Hey You took me under the waves We drank the wine just like days Can't help but breathe in the haze Sunshine on the sand Smiles across the land Let me hold your hand Let me hold your hand Hey You have such beautiful ways Like circumpuscular rays I dot my i's and my j's Southern California Hey Look at those beautiful waves They push and pull just like slaves They shine like Rutherford Hayes Hey
29.
Dumb Angel 04:06
A dumb angel on my tracks Winged cherub won't relax Imagine that Flinging arrows is her job In love with liberty from God What a gas Give a dollar to your friend If it's money you need to lend You'll feel hollow in the end It's your heart you need to mend Her gaze stops me every time Instead I act so civilized Imagine that I dream of sleeping in my bed I'm just living in my head What a gas When you're feeling down and blue Close your eyes and count to 2 You know what you've got to do Take a trip to Malibu I cannot hear her voice aloud I see it in a puffy cloud Imagine that Songs of angels fill my day When she looks across my way What a gas I hope she looks across my way I hope she doesn't think I'm gay Or some pervert who will say "I will knock you up someday" Give a dollar to your friend If it's money you need to lend You'll feel hollow in the end It's your heart you need to mend Dumb angel Dumb angel Dumb angel on my tracks
30.
Greasy Arms (free) 03:44
31.
You've got the key ignition I've got the rattled tones I'm an honest engine Hear me roar I've got the massive tires You've got an ass of steel You won't get fired I can't feel Plowin down all the hills and knolls Grade it flat, now it feels like home Feels like home The land goes on forever Your job is safe with me Nature begs for an acre Go extinct All those signs are phony We're building for a cause That cause is money Watch 'em fall Clear the way for congested sprawl Nowhere to tag so you build a wall
32.
Silver Queen 03:03
oh yeah all right baby she laughs flat on her back intact and her radiance good 6-pack's not coming back in fact I think that they all should silver queen it's not like in dreams but things are still misunderstood fantasy, like your liberty remains so far from Hollywood transfixed the size of your tits I sit alone thinking of you bad trips reality clicks no chicks have been as pretty as you the desert lies beyond with dust instead of fog the engine's turning on two hours, we'll be gone
33.
Bring it up now Shit Anybody says that I'm going to chicken Anybody says that I'm going away Anybody says that I'm going to chicken Anybody says I was on the road and I was going I was on the road and I was away I was on the road and I'm going to chicken Yeah Anybody says anybody anybody says Anybody says that I'm going to Vostok Rabbits on the shore and I'm going away Anybody says that I'm going to chicken Anybody says that I'm going to Nome Anybody says that I'm going to liver Anybody in the anybody in the Wah ding iffa zhanas channing body Sprinkle fucking chunkies and I'm talking bout meatballs Anybody says that I'm banning away And I'm doing it on purpose every single fucking day Everybody says Everybody says Everybody says Everybody's on the topic, God even says Topic of the day is everybody says Anybody in the fucking room And I'm talking about you And I'm talking about you And I'm talking about anybody I'm talking about all the motherfucking people in the fucking room and I'm talking to you and I'm talking to every fucking body in the room and I am away and I am away and I am going all the way on fucking today yeah yeah yeah yeah it's the topic of the day eat my shit and you'll fuckin die
34.
Yo Check this shit out, yo It doesn't get any gooder I saw you....in the rain in a t-shirt in a limousine in the shower in the motherfucking flower I just won the lotto I got a brand new bra The cruise control's on auto I had a vision of Jah Walking to the station Got a ticket to Mars Going on vacation Blasting to the stars I saw you in the cabin Yo, I saw you in the fucking aisle I saw that you were grabbing We've been friends for a while If you want, we could get some Velcro shoes We can walk on the ceiling or have some orange juice I wanna let you know that....outer space can be so dim we just might lose life or limb we might not see Yuma again ginseng, goldenseal, phen phen It doesn't get any gooder
35.
36.
37.
Touched by my reflection Melted all away I had no intention To blow you all away In a flowing river On a summer day I will still remember When I'm old and gray That day The river has the currents That push you down, away The sea it pulls the river and all the rocks with age make the sand that greets you when you are in the bay the sea it eats the river the tides move day to day That way
38.
Sorry 03:12
Music and lyrics available at www.songreader.net

about

Retrospective album with songs from 1993 to 2013. Released to celebrate our 20 year anniversary. This music sounds much better after downing a 12-pack of delicious Dos Equis lager. Try a case today. Please do not drive or operate heavy machinery while listening to this album. Pregnant women and diabetics are cautioned against listening, except under the supervision of a licensed medical professional. Side effects include chronic migraines, episodic seizures, anal leakage, nausea and in some rare cases, death. Do not listen to this album while surrounded by magnetic fields. Jackass Penguins "Dos Equis" is a product of Oyitt Records. Lo-fi combined with low talent. Now that's entertainment! Try Dos Equis today!

credits

released November 15, 2013

Produced by Derrick Hoyle.
All songs written by M. Watson unless otherwise noted.
Recorded at various locations in Riverside and Yucaipa over 20 years.
Cover photo originally by Chris Wilkins for Getty Images.

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Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

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Jackass Penguins Yucaipa, California

A lo-fi musical outlet. Started in late 1993 in Riverside. Concerts have been nearly nonexistent, but recording has been prolific. Aside from a few locals and casual fans, the band is willingly obscure.

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